One Extremely Short Story

10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1!!!!


Yay! Happy New Year! Wooot!

Cheers

Glug glug

Guzzle

Snort snort

Oh crap! Stop the car, I'm gonna hurl!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ugh. My head.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS!

Did Vince just come out of the closet?

Give people what they want...

I sat and tried to think about what people love and what they find funny. Because you know I live to entertain. Hmmmmmm..... what can I think of...


:P Very impressive, this child has skills, but sadly other children don't feel the same way about farting. Or maybe it's just the child's perspective...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Good day,
Ron

And now, for something truly awful

Awesome, I mean awesome.



This happened to me when I found out that Prunella was a contributor.

My New Favorite GIF

When I first heard about this I thought, "OMG, is Obama okay?" but then I found out it was THAT president and I thought, "too bad those shoes missed him."

How to Waste Time #1

If you're bored and have a few hours to kill, may I suggest perusing these Tuscan Whole Milk reviews on amazon.com? They are much more amusing than any of the books I've been trying to plow through lately. Although not quite as funny as the David Hasselhoff CD reviews but then few things are.

The Saga of BloodNinja - Cybersex wierdo

(and my hero)

So I'm trying to find funny stuff on Algore's internets to send to Brenda and make her laugh and I found this... this guy... An artist. Possibly the funniest thing ever seen online.

This guy goes by the name BloodNinja and he has cybersex with people.

But he doesn't do it all serious, he just goes off on the strangest tangents you've ever seen. Here's a sample of his works:

Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli13: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli13: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli13: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli13: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli13: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f**king charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli13: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.

Checkout the whole saga. It's on the internets.

Are you still here?

No I'm not going to link to it you lazy ass, go find a browser and google it.

Jeez, okay here.

~

Name calling is so childish...

NINJAS ARE MAGIC!

You win extra points if you can hear him say "clitoris"

International Ninja Day

Is today

Beware. Ninja's aren't nice. You have been warned.



Besides, pirates have saucy wenches...

(saucy wench comment courtesy of Josh)

Way Too Stoned?

Maybe I'm just way too stoned but this is the best act I've ever seen in my life. I'd pay top dollar to see them perform live. I love the song's lyrics too.

I have found this video to be amusing and informative. I hope that you will enjoy it as well.

Girly Man

No commentary required.

Source; engrish.com
Thx ChefKt!

SOMETHING TO MEDITATE ON

Great Moments in Hair

Ladies and Gentlemen, Phil Spector sporting the 'Funkel:

Art Garfunkel is rarely jealous. But when he is...

ODE TO THE MAN PURSE

Its sexy when a man has enough going on in his life that he NEEDS a purse! That black strap emphasizes the rippling chest muscles. And its doubly hot that he has a little bit of skin showing because his man purse is pulling his shirt up.

Man Purse is hot.

It must be jealousy

Why must everyone assume she had implants!?

Hmmm.... I've got the urge to cook some bacon and go mountain climbing now...

Know what I'm thankful for?

Has the world been destroyed by the LHC today?

Source here. More on the LHC here.

Now I know the difference...

Mmm...

I consider myself a daring cook. Usually.

However, it seems that Yankee Ingenuity can sometimes go too far.

Behold the following recipe, located in my [late] mother-in-law's cookbook:

Sue's Salad Spread

Grind together:

3 large carrots
1 green pepper
1 large container Spam or Treet

Mash in 1-2 Tbsp. Mayonaise or Salad Dressing, to taste.

Please note the following for clarification:

1. Sue was NOT my M-I-L's name.
2. Salad Dressing= Miracle Whip.
3. Treet is Poor Man's Spam.

In spite of my creative palate, I can find nothing even remotely redeeming in this recipe. Especially since the words "Grind" and "Mash" are included.

GAH.

Jorge the Spider

Jorge the spider is my favorite pet.
I won’t have to take him to visit the vet.

He doesn’t require messy litter or scoops
or daily walks either, since he never poops

He doesn’t have dander that will make you sneeze.
No need for a collar, he doesn’t have fleas.

He’s ever so quiet, so still, and serene
and fun to scare friends with around Halloween.

There's no need to fear him, he won't ever bite.
And if you are broke, you'll find him a delight!

The reason, you see, is because he is dead
and therefore does not even need to be fed.

May I have this dance?

I must meet this girl.

Yeah, just give ME the 14.95

You probably know that I'm a greedy capitalist pig by now. If not, I'm a greedy capitalist pig.

And I saw this video (which in truth, has been floating around for a while) for the "Tiddy Bear". The premise is that you can get this soft and fuzzy bear shaped thing that will provide you girls with, um lady lumps, some relief from the chafing or other uncomfortableness of the seatbelt.

Here's the video.


Now, what a waste. Like that bear gives a shit about your boobs. But I can tell you that I DO care about your boob comfort. And I'll give YOU a whole dollar if you'll let me put my hand between your glorious boobalas give you a dollar off the 14.95 rate. In fact for a limited time only, you can, for only 9.95 have a PERSONALIZED Tiddy comfort strap... courtesy of my hand. Want something softer? I'll wear a glove. Just call me Michael Jackson.

Just call me ladies. That's BR-549. Call it, it'll ring.

(and if I'm busy I'm pretty sure that Ron'll fill in)

-=Thanks Katie=-
~

STRANGE THINGS ARE AFOOT AT GARFUNKLE'S GUTTER

Apparently all of us losers that post at Garfunkle's Gutter are even bigger losers than we think we are.

You see, a few days ago, I signed GG up for Sitemeter. I just received the first GG report, and guess what? Absolutely no one has visited GG in the past few days!

Something's wrong. I know I came to GG. We've had several beautiful postings, and by beautiful I mean bottom of the barrel, gutter-type postings. Commenters have commented, so we know they must have clicked into the site, unless they have psychic powers or something.

Apparently we rank so far below Internet standards that Sitemeter refuses to acknowledge we exist. And somehow, I'm okay with that.

Here, Kitty Kitty!

Co-Worker: Oh, look! There's a cat in the driveway! It could be our new mascot! It could be... (lowers voice) DESTRUKTO CAT!

Boss: I love cats.... [sigh]

[Everyone pauses to look at Boss, as he is clearly a Big Dog kind of guy]

Boss: ...I just can't eat a whole one by myself anymore.

The Buh-LACK Widow

This spider, one of only a few poisonous spiders in the US, can be found all over the states of Missouri, Arkansas, Kentucky and Tennessee.

The spider releases a neurotoxin into the victim that, if not treated, can cause death.

The Black Widow hooks up with the male and then sucks the very life out of him after mating (eerily similar to someone I know).

She's very easy to spot...

The female has a very wide backside, is black and has a red hour glass shaped marking on her belly...

You can find this spider in:

Closets
Woodpiles
Under beds
And soon...

The White House!



(received via email)

The Perils of a Seeing Eye Dog

Time again to check and see if the world has ended from the LHC

Source here. More on the LHC here.

Evil Squirrel Armies are upon us!!

OK I'm willing to admit that not all squirrels are evil and out for world domination, just most of them. You see only the evil ones are likely to survive, as I found out from this picture.


We need to plan a rebellion against them before it's..... wait.... did you hear that? OMG! I think they are outside my house! I hear them on my roof!! .... Oh God, I heard a window breaking in the other room... do your best to organize, save yourse....................................................

never mind wat i sez b4, I crazy human biped. No wory bout frend squirel, we r frendly... mean they r frendly. Nice nite open yur windows and leave nutz out tonite fur fun, you do that now?

WELCOME TO THE LOONEY BIN! I MEAN, GUTTER!

I feel so priviliged, and would feel even more priviliged I knew I were spelling "priviliged" correctly. It just don't look right, mammy. Never mind, I am HONORED! Here in the Gutter we have the most insane collection of internetters on the internets. Me, Stew, Greg, and now we are joined by the honorable RON and the esteemed PRUNELLA. Ron brings a lot to the table, including his considerable experience mediating divorcing couples, and his expertise in all things involving groundhogs. Prunella brings the sexy to the blog, with her boobacious stripping experiences and great rack. How do I know she has a great rack? Why, I've seen the rack with my very own two eyes, how else would I know such a thing? Did you delete the rack, Pru?

I put out the invitation on my original blog when I first made the Gutter - anybody who wanted to join, email me!! Nobody responded. I managed to convince Pru to join via chat, and I was convinced Ron must not be interested in posting useless drivel, until he pointed out the small but important fact that his whole BLOG is useless drivel. I realized then how very qualified he was to join.

We gotta get some people on here. Send out invites to the craziest folks on your blogroll. Tell them to email me, brendalove@gmail.com and I'll add 'em on. We can have up to 100 participants. Our only rule is we are going to try to keep it rated R - i.e. - stick penises are okay, but photos of real juicy dripping penises are not. Greg is in recovery from surgery and we need to prevent him from going into shock. Oh and our other rule is that NO UPSTANDING CITIZENS ARE ALLOWED. This is the Gutter, after all. We're at the end of the road.

I have a great moneymaking idea

Guaranteed get rich scheme in 3-2-1

1. I'm buying controlling stock in Encyclopedia Britannica
   
2. Once vested in this now worthless stock I'll...
3. Hire lawyers to sue Al Gore for inventing the internet!
   

It's bound to succeed.

I'm Ready for my Close Up....

First off I would like to thank Brenda for this honor. It is a privilege to have my simple writings be contained in this blog with all of these esteemed and respected authors. I am humbled by this opportunity that has been provided to me.

It was really a bit nerve wracking at first. You see I reported in to write today and I met with Greg. First time I've met him, but I will peruse his blog later. He was friendly enough and after meeting with him in his lavish office and discussing the goals and objectives of this blog in his sitting room he then showed me to my office where I will be working. My office is a little cramped, but it will do. I mean the walls are used to store the mops and brooms and all, but I get a nifty little sink that I have to share with the janitor. I'm sure I will get used to all the odd plumbing noises when the toilets are flushed.

I then went to meet with Brenda. Hmmm.... she's in a new wing of the building and her personal assistant declared that I needed an appointment. I was a little disappointed, but seeing as Perez Hilton and Johnny Depp were sitting in her waiting area I didn't feel to bad. I guess...

So as I was walking back I passed Stew's office and figure what the heck, I'll drop in. His office is covered in drawings that to me resemble stick figure penises. Hmmm.... then fianally after searching many of his offices and passing though his kitchen I find him in a lounge area getting a lap dance from a stripper and eating bacon at the same time.... I think I will intoduce myself later....

This day is really not what I expected at all... I figure what the hell I will see what Pru is up to. Finally I get to meet her face to face. Well... she was naked so maybe face to .... ummm stuff. She didn't seem to even realize how odd that was. She kept saying something about her being next over at Stew's office. She seemed a bit hyper and kept chastising a monkey in the other room about teasing the bowl kitty. I decided that she seemed to busy right now and decided to leave. I'm not sure, but I can swear as I left I thought I saw a land gator lunge at where I had been standing. No.... that would be crazy....

This day didn't go at all as I planned. I think I will come back to the office later in the week and try to get started on something for you.

Shocking Bush Picture

When I first saw this I was puzzled. WTF? Are they throwing up some sort of Republican gang sign to intimidate Obama?

Where I come from this particular hand gesture is known as The Shocker. Click here for the Urban Dictionary definition if you aren't familiar with it.

Two in the House, one in the Senate! Awwww yeahh!


Bush does seem fond of communicating with his fingers though. After all, he's been showing this one to the American people for the past eight years.

Don't Drink and Drive

On A Zamboni...

So a Zamboni driver was arrested and charged with DUI after driving erratically on the ice. Passing out behind the wheel and banging into everything. No, I'm not making this up.

So a little perspective is in order. Having gone to hockey games (I'm a big fan of the Atlanta Thrashers) I've seen the Zamboni in action. I would not however, classify myself as a professional authority on the Zamboni but Karl Scaatarwaarganfjiordsvenvaarcsjarsaad IS.

Karl, can you describe a normal Zamboni pattern?
Sjuure I caan, it looks juust ljike thjis:













And in the case where the woman was arrested?
It looked ljike thjis:















Imagine the horrified looks on the faces of the poor chirren in the stands as Becky Burnout* wrecked her way into notoriety.

*not her real name

The Zamboni is NOT for drunken driving. It is, however, permissible for Spongebob Squarepants to get zammy wid'it. Know what I say'n?

GET WELL WISHES

The Gutter has some extra room in it tonight, and I don't like it.

Gutter Greg is having surgery this week, leaving Gutter Brenda and Gutter Stew without a referee to keep us tame. Hanging in the Gutter with only Gutter Stew is no fun. He spends all day panhandling, only to spend the money on bacon. He won't even cook it, he just eats it all slimely out of the package. He burps, farts, scratches himself in unmentionable places, and hocks lugeys at passers-by.

We NEED Gutter Greg. He makes us straighten up the Gutter everyday. He makes Gutter Stew actually cook the bacon. He encourages me, Gutter Brenda, to clean up my language. He is the sole reason we keep it Rated R around here. Gutter Greg commands our respect, and we love to give it to him. Respect, that is.

The next few days are going to be hell. I'll be faithfully watching and awaiting his return. He's the only thing that saves the Gutter from the Gutter.

GET WELL SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's never to late to have a post about naked, pumpkin wearing joggers...

Dateline: Halloween
Location: Boulder, Colorado

An annual event, the naked pumpkin run, occurred on Friday evening. Twelve of the naked joggers were ticketed and/or arrested. Critics are coming out of the woodwork because of the citations. Seems that the cops took a rather long time to process some of the females involved in the streak/pumpkin wearing nekkidfest. Not to mention that lots of people are saying that the cops shouldn't have bothered to arrest people for being naked.

Personally I think this is a swell idea. We need more nakedness in the world today. For instance, if all Presidential and Vice-Presidential candidates were to perform the debates nekkid, we wouldn't have had to settle for the likes of John McCain. aka Mr. McWrinkles in all the wrong places.

Imagine John Murtha naked. Wait, no scratch that, Sarah Palin! And Sarah Palin naked next to Joe Biden! Wow, what an impact that would've made on conservatives... In fact, you factor in the pumpkin on the head part and just about anyone would go gaga over sweet Sarah. Even people that don't like her.

But I digress. Since this is a rated "R" blog, I can't show pictures of girls jogging with big giant bouncing jugs like I want. So instead I'll use Paint (that high quality program) and draw some pictures myself.

Here is a basic picture of naked people running. Notice that the female has smallish boobs (drawing boobs with Paint is way harder than it looks) (especially when you're as lazy as I am) and the male in the picture has blonde hair. You can tell because I drew the hair kinda blonde looking. Even the pubes are blonde looking. And how about that pecker?! Excellent rendition if I say so myself.

The woman shown here has brown hair and even though she's "smiling" in this picture, she's really mad at the blonde guy.

The blonde guy is named Todd and is a royal douche. He picks his nose and eats the boogers.

The woman with the brown hair is pissed that she's naked in public but mostly she just hates Todd.

Let's talk about the physics of this endeavor for just a sec.

When a girl goes jogging, she has a certain area (or more specifically areas) which have a tendency to bounce around and/or jiggle. While this is fun to watch, it's not exactly conducive to wearing a pumpkin on the head while participating in the jiggly action. Here, I've done another drawing! I had to do a guy because drawing boobies bouncing around in Paint sort of reminded me of drawing mushrooms and salt shakers. Which, everybody knows, has nothing to do with bouncing boobies. But ironically enough, drawing a stick figure and, the corollary, the stick penis, was quite easy. This doesn't make me gay does it? Please tell me that I'm not gay just because I drew a stick penis. Or more specifically, a stick penis flopping around...

I just didn't want to go there with the salt shakers and mushrooms. That stick figure girl is already pissed at Todd, I don't want her getting pissed at me too.

Besides, I'm quite fabulous now. FABULOUS!

FEELING DUMB TODAY?

Well, you should.

It's Over

It's over. The Democrats won. For more than the trivial reasons spewed by the press - Palin, the economy, the war, the astrological signs - the Republicans lost faith with the country.

I used to be a registered Republican. But then one too many "Karl Run-Amuck" Rove, one too many "Ah put the boy into Cow-boy" George Bush Jr., one too many Cheney-and Rumsfeld together, one too many "Dan Quail is my man" by George Senior did me in. I liked Reagan because he was genuine, not a Richard Nixonian Republican.

We no longer have Whigs and Torries, because once those parties lost the respect of their members, they had to dissolve and re-form. The RepublicansCOULD rename themselves the Ted Stevens Arrogant Bastards party, I suppose, but we would still know.

Like God did during the great flood: just erase it, and start over.

HAPPY ELECTION DAY FROM GARFUNKLE'S DOG, GARFY

WOOF!

Time to see if the Large Hadron Collider has destroyed the world yet

I'd say this is a good thing. It means that more scientific rap from really cute science hottie girls could spontaneously appear any time now. More on how I know that the world hasn't ended here. More on the LHC here. More on the hot rapping scientist girls here.

Saddam Garfunkel

Because the Sitar needs representation too

Fresh on the heels of my interview with Art Garfunkel's hair... An interview with Saddam Hussein's Hair!

Get Stewed: Hello Saddam Hussein's Hair, how are you today?
Saddam Hussein's Hair: Save it infidel.

Get Stewed: So the name of this blog is Garfunkle's Gutter and I'm wondering about the obvious connection between you and Art Garfunkel's hair. Can you tell us more?
Saddam Hussein's Hair: What? What in the name of Bush are you talking about? You bring me here against my will, refuse to provide me with a brush or comb or anything which may provide me with a coif and then expect that I will help you? ROT INFIDEL!

Get Stewed: So was Garfunkel any kind of inspiration at all?
Saddam Hussein's Hair: Ach. A thousand camel bites for your genitals. Go away from me.

Get Stewed: Okay, you're not comfortable with this subject. How about the beard?
Saddam Hussein's Hair: What of it you puss ridden maggot of sin?

Get Stewed: That thing looks awfully familiar.
Saddam Hussein's Hair: No, by the sword of Jezebel...

Get Stewed: You think any inspiration was lent by the Garfunkel "frizz"?
Saddam Hussein's Hair: Kill me again. Please.

You Can Buy One of the Knives ...

... on the Knife Shopping Network.

They stabbed Saddam after he was hanged!

Inquiring minds want to know.

Saddam Hussein was hanged on December 30, 2006, for crimes against humanity.

One of the guys who buried him now claims that Saddam’s body was stabbed six times after he was executed.

The guy says 300 other people saw the wounds when the body was buried in the early hours of the morning the next day.

Nouri al-Maliki, the Prime Minister, told The Times last month that he regretted the way in which the sentence was carried out. He added: “Those who chanted were punished. There was no major violation apart from the chanting.”

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM GARFUNKLE

Garfunkle has a clever costume this year. He's supposed to be taming hair gel.

It's too damn hard to yoink videos from cnn...

delete it when you're done watching
or leave it

McRib

Interview with Simon Garfunkle's Hair

Get Stewed: Hi, I'm here with Simon Garfunkel's hair
Art Garfunkel's Hair: Art you putz

Get Stewed: What?
Art Garfunkel's Hair: I'm Art Garfunkel's hair. Simon has none. And could you not take more time to do a decent photoshop? There's clearly forehead gleam there. You suck.

Get Stewed: Quite feisty there Mr. Garfunkel's hair.
Art Garfunkel's Hair: I have my moments.

Get Stewed: So, who are you voting for in the election?
Art Garfunkel's Hair: Lindsey Lohan

Get Stewed: Is she even running?
Art Garfunkel's Hair: If she see me in person she'll run.

Get Stewed: You ever hear of conditioner?
Art Garfunkel's Hair: You. Bastard...

The Naming of the Blog

The blog is named "Garfunkle's Gutter." Not "Garfunkel's Guitar".

The reason probably is to explore why peoples' minds are in the gutter, not in the guitar. And why would anyone have his mind in a guitar?

Besides, if "Guitar" was the idea, it should be "Simon's Guitar", since he apparently owned the guitar.

OUR LEADER

Garfunkle, who managed to scrounge together a few bob for a motel room last night and get off the street, relaxes in bed and shows us the goods.

Getting an Early Start

A life of its own. This is a boy.

Know how you can tell?

If not, maybe this blog is not meant for you...

-Greg

My First Post

Is not...

DON'T BLAME ME

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize in advance to the unsuspecting internets. Yes, it was my idea, but I got a feeling this thing will take on a life of its own.